On Thursday, we retrieved this lovely, but dim calf from a water tank. After climbing out, he peed on me, demonstrating his Blue Flag-esque clean water credentials, and making me a pollution hazard in the catchment zone of a watercourse.

Which brings me to a request from @FarmerCharles on Twitter this week: "What was that cake with apostles all over it that I was going to try?" I had intended to start said cake with apostles all over it, a Simnel Cake, that night but, well, hygiene first.

Simnel Cake - as styled by Marguerite Patten

In the matter of the Taylor-Nicholson Simnel Cake, we use our Christmas cake recipe; a great excuse to eat Christmas cake more than once a year. Choose your favourite fruit or Dundee cake recipe, and sandwich a layer of marzipan in the middle of the batter. When cool, brush the top with jam and add a circle of marzipan and twelve balls to represent the apostles, minus Judas. Brown the marzipan under the grill or using a blowtorch (perhaps not the one that lives on the farm, and no, the dehorner won't do).

The thing to remember, is that twelve balls are insufficient; '70s decorations are compulsory. If it's good enough for Marguerite, then it's good enough for your Easter table. And be warned: Don't melt the apostles (grilling in the Aga can be hit and miss)! Marguerite will know.